Movie Review: Krampus

On Friday night, I went to go see the new movie Krampus with some friends. I’d seen lots of commercials for it, and I wanted to hang out, so we just picked that since it was out. Horror movies (maybe just all movies) released around Christmas are either:

1. Very good or

2. Quite bad and easy to make fun of.

This movie (and almost every Christmas-themed horror movie) falls into the second category. In fact, it was so bad, I think this is going to be my life’s goal: find another horror movie as bad as Krampus.

Was it because I was with friends? I mean, possibly, but the movie itself wasn’t scary in the first place. But since this is a (hopefully) fair movie review, I won’t poke fun at it too much.

(I’m lying. I’m about to destroy this goat-Santa).

WHAT I LIKED:

• The Ending

One redemptive part of the movie was- like many other movies- the way the movie ended. I don’t mean the last half-hour or so. (Because I didn’t like that at all.) More like the final… two minutes. I won’t give the ending away, but I will tell you that it was something entirely unexpected, at least for me. The way they ended it was both clever and somewhat unique, until the last few seconds, when they tried one last, desperate jump scare.

I didn’t jump. Maybe I didn’t actually like the ending? I don’t know. Stop asking me. This movie just sucks.

• The Story Line (Kind of)

There were parts that were good-ish and parts that could be improved upon. (Like the whole thing.)

Some scenes would have been good, and could have been made into very scary moments. For instance: Krampus is chasing a girl as she runs down the deserted street. Instead of making it dark and playing scary music while she is being chased in the middle of a snow storm, they show him clearly jumping from roof to roof like some kind of demented frog. No music. No darkness. Just watching goat-Santa jump while listening to a girl scream.

This is not my idea of peak horror movie cinema.

There were a few other instances, but that’s the one I clearly remember. The first fifteen-ish minutes of the movie were good. Funny enough to be humorous and creepy enough setup to be a horror movie. Then it all kind of fell apart.

• Max

The other redeeming quality about the film was the little boy in the family on whom the story centers. Max was a character that, by himself, made the movie tons better. The actor did a really nice job.

When all the characters at times seemed insane or selfish or unlikable, he was always someone you wanted to succeed and wanted to live, up until his last moment when he finally confronts both his fears and the literal monster in front of him.

I won’t give him too much credit, though. Pretty sure any goat-owner could’ve stopped this goat-demon before he goat-attacked another goat-victim.

Yes, this movie gives strong goat vibes.

WHAT I DISLIKED:

• Krampus & Co.

I don’t even know where to begin. Krampus, as I said, is basically a goat. A big, ugly goat with an enormously long tongue he likes to show off and a Santa costume. When the old woman recounts her first experience with Krampus, how he is shown to be creepy and that wink (which seems to be a staple in Krampus stories) might haunt me for a little while. But overall, he was a disappointment. Actually, no. Totally a disappointment.

TL;DR- Krampus is on the naughty list.

Whew. Next on my scathing list is his “helpers.” Like, they’re straight out of a circus. The gingerbread man on Shrek was creepier than these (except for those laughs, I guess). The dolls and elves (they were not elves) all looked the same. Just clowns from jack-in-the-boxes that had gone haywire.

In one scene it looks like Krampus has mini-Krampuses following him and darting through a field of demon-looking snowmen. I would’ve rather seen these mini-Krampuses, his goat army, than the other weirdos.

Oh yeah. And three gingerbread men try to use a nail gun. (Yeah, I found a link. That’s called research, baby.) It works… not very well. They go a little crazy. Reminds me of my brothers and sisters with Nerf guns. Actually, the nail-gun scene was maybe the funniest part of the movie that didn’t involve goat-Santa.

• Final Confrontation

All those crazy buffoons I mentioned up there (^) got a bunch of caffeine or something because it seems to me they’re on a sugar high. They just start bouncing off the walls and shooting fools with nail guns and eating people or something.

(Speaking of eating, a gingerbread man gets very angry that half of his head got eaten. That was probably my favorite part of the whole movie. No, definitely my favorite.)

Everything was really hectic and hard to follow. They had all the family members pinned down, ready to kill them, and yet they never do. They just stand there like awkward elves/monsters/gingerbread fools. So, yeah. That was a strange scene.

(I could make many more points but I’m constraining myself here. You can send me a Christmas card for thanks. Not with Krampus on it.)

MY RATING: 0/10

My first ever zero. Maybe my only one, ever.

There was just… nothing positive to takeaway. This movie will live forever in my mind as the worst horror movie I’ve seen where I didn’t expect it to be terrible.

If you liked this movie, that’s okay. No worries. Just please prevent anyone else from seeing it, or if you do show it, warn them ahead of time. This movie will infest your mind.

Maybe The Forest next month will make up for it, but the last two horror films I saw in theaters (this one and The Visit) were major letdowns.

Until next time, Merry Christmas all you folks and Happy New Years! Watch out behind you. There may be a rabid goat-man chasing you on rooftops.