Movie Review: The Amityville Horror (2005)

Got my wisdom teeth taken out, couldn’t sleep, wanted to watch a horror movie.

You know how hard it is to find a decent horror movie?? Like, really really hard. I swear. All the good ones are about sex and the badness of it, pretty much. And then you have the typical ghost story that turns out really good. Then you have the franchises, like Conjuring and Insidious. And then you have the remakes. I went for remakes.

The Amityville Horror is a remake of a movie based on a book that’s hopefully not based on real life. Although basically every movie says they are. Heck, they probably say Star Wars is “based on real life events.”

Anyways, rant over. Listen up, ya’ll, because I’m typing fast today. (Oh yeah, and there’s a sequel coming out called Amityville: The Awakening or something. Looks pretty good, to be honest. But it’s got that chick from Shake It Up in it so…)

amityville horror cover

WHAT I LIKED:

  • House

Normally, I could care less about the scenery. The exception, maybe is The Shining. However, this movie had the perfect house for the story line. I knew what was going to happen, but I know that with most movies because, well, almost everything’s predictable in fiction, unlike life. So, having great actors and a great setting certainly help with that.

Honestly, it was like the picturesque haunted house. It made me want to go back and read the book, which I just might do. If the novel is anything like the movie, it should be a fantastic, fascinating read.

  • Actors

I touched on this in the last point, but the actors for this movie were phenomenal! Whoever did the casting for this should do it for every single movie ever. It was the perfect cast for the perfect roles for the perfect story line… Okay, that’s overstating it. But really, they were great!

The best part about movies is the actors. So when they fail, the movie does, too. Casting is a very fragile business, which I obviously know a lot about having never been near a movie set other than Disneyworld. But still, it’s tough. And this movie does it great just like Harrison Ford.

Every character looked how I would imagine them, talked like I thought they should, and died how- I mean, what… Nobody dies… Honestly, I can’t remember. It was past midnight when the Gremlins came out and ate my remembering-ness. (Did you know you can put – between any two words and the computer thinks it’s right? Try it in the comments! I think we have spellcheck there…)

  • Ending

I really liked the conclusion to this, to be honest. It left things open for a sequel or many sequels (which Hollywood will never fail to provide!). Not only that, but it wrapped up the story. As far as I know, those poor people are still alive and dealing with the affects of staying in Amityville. But, at least they’re alive. It’s more than the folks in Jaws can say.
amityville horror

WHAT I DISLIKED:

  • The Catholic Priest

He’s like… a major letdown. Maybe it was the director’s way of poking fun at exorcism movies? I don’t know. But he shows up, gets spooked, and then just leaves. It was bizarre! Poor old guy probably broke his hip, just trying to water the gardenias.

  • The Babysitter

So, her name is L… L… um Lisa I think. And she’s this really slutty babysitter, who’s like openly flirting with the son I guess? And he’s not even into puberty age. But he was refusing a babysitter, so the parents get him this girl who they think will keep him occupied, and I don’t mean that in a good way.

Who does that?? The poor kid. He was probably more scarred from that experience than with the demon/ghost things. They locked her in a closet, and she got like eaten or something crazy. Well, I guess she won’t be flirting with 11 year old boys anymore. Especially now that she’s in her 50’s.

MY RATING: 8/10

For all the joking and goofing and giggling and joshing I’ve done during this post, I really did enjoy the movie. It was a fun way to spend a night. Although it was nothing special, I’ve seen much worse movies, and at least I wasn’t stuck with another Krampus! Geez. I had somebody tell me they liked that movie recently, and I was…

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Amityville

+

Krampus

is

Krampusville.

NOOOOOOOOOO